Tag Archives: Love

Hello My Name Is: Independence

All this Women’s Rights mumbo-jumbo-social-media-rhetoric has gotten me really worked up lately. I’ve summed my emotions into “If you aren’t for it, you’re against it.” And how any woman could be against her own fundamental rights is simply beyond me.

I was in a relationship for over two years that made me feel like a beautiful, kind, caring doormat. Now listen y’all, I am a ballin’ ass girlfriend. Once you hook me and reel me in, I make it my life’s mission to keep you happy. That’s not me being submissive, it’s just what I enjoy doing. I like to see the people I love happy, therefore, I get really excited to cook a good dinner, do laundry or dishes when my man is sick or stressed out, or anything small that I know makes his day a little better. I like this aspect of myself, because I know I’ll make a damn good wife some day. (Does this paragraph make me look single?)

The problem with this mindset for me is it always takes too long to realize when I’m extremely under-appreciated. I’ve been in more than one relationship where I’ve taken a step back after the relationship ended and asked myself “What the heck was I doing there for so long?” The thing about feminism is it doesn’t mean women are superior, it means women and men are equal. So many fellow women of mine fail to see the equality they are being denied on a daily basis. If you are treating a man with kindness and respect, you deserve just that in return.

As women, I strongly believe that we should never rely on man, but especially A man, for anything. We should constantly be relying on God, and ourselves, to satisfy our needs. If you rely on a man for anything, that thing is no longer yours. That goes for your material belongings like your clothes, your car, your home, but it can also be applied to your emotions, your self-worth, your confidence.

Picture this: You fall in love with Mr. Right. He has a great job, great hair, he’s funny, charming, and takes care of you. He makes enough money to support you and even your kids once you have them. He’s generous, he buys you gifts every now and then like a new pair of shoes, he takes you to fancy dinners and tells you you’re the most perfect woman in the whole world. He tells you he loves you and you trust him. He gives you a big ole’ diamond. Sounds dreamy, right? Sign me up!

So naturally, you get married, you quit your job and start popping out babies. You get fat, you lose your confidence because he stops appreciating you. He takes you and everything you do for granted and you resent him for having to stay home all day with the kids. You fight a lot because you’ve lost your self-worth and want more out of life than talking to toddlers all day. Then one day, he cheats on you. He decides to leave you for the other woman. I don’t know how you find out but you do, because you are woman. Your life crumbles before your eyes. Literally. He. Owns. Everything. Your house and everything in it. Your car. Your insurance. Your clothes and shoes and bags and jewelry. Your body. Your mind. The groceries in your refrigerator that you were going to use to cook him dinner! 

Custody of the children (and probably a hefty settlement) aside, you are now forced to completely start over. What’s on your resume? Nothing, child care. What’s your credit score? Nada, nothing in your name. I would say it’s not your fault, but it totally is. Where did you lose your independence? When did you forget that you are a perfect and beautiful creation of God’s that deserves happiness and fulfillment? When did you forget that you have a purpose for your life here on earth? A lot of women will say that being a mother is their purpose, and I am 100% on board with that. But please, I am begging you, do not give up your independence in exchange for motherhood. That child needs a strong, unwavering woman to teach them how to be the best version of themselves.

When I see women marrying (or dating) for money it makes me want to crawl out of my skin and force my hands around her neck. You are submitting in the worst possible way! You are giving that man complete control over who you are and what defines you. Not to mention, you should never waste your time dating or marrying someone who you could do without. Call me a romantic but, I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Yes, a soul mate! And that soul mate wasn’t put there so you could use them for their money, their money should have ZERO influence on your feelings for them. If their money or worth has ANY influence on why you’re with them, you need to reevaluate your life, my dear! And your identity, and motives, and passions. Who the hell are you, anyways?

The moral of this rant is…Don’t ever let a man control you. Whether he does that with money or manipulation, you are your own person and should ALWAYS be your own person. Don’t forget to take that step back every once in a while and ask yourself if you are being treated equally and with respect. And if the answer is ever anything besides “YES PRAISE JESUS FOR THIS AMAZING SPECIMEN OF A MAN,” get the eff outta there!

 

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In Church

In church I don’t care how fat or skinny I am
or what I ate the day before
or when I’m going to the gym next.
In church I don’t think about how much I hate my job
and how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning
and how I come home in tears most days.
In church I don’t wonder if I’ve chosen the wrong path
or if my efforts are tiresome and pointless.
In church I don’t worry about when I’m going to meet the “right” guy
and fall in love and get married
and whether I’ll be able to have babies
or live to meet their babies.
In church I don’t doubt that I am capable
of anything and everything I set my mind to
as long as I fully rely on Jesus for my successes.
In church I don’t care about what the people around me think
about the fact that I’m crying over the sermon
or stretching my arms high into Heaven while I sing.
In church I know that today is the only day that matters
and that tomorrow’s worries and burdens should be placed on Him and Him only.
In church it doesn’t matter what mistakes I made years ago
that I feel define me sometimes
because I am a child of the Lord and my sins are forgiven.
In church I am me
just as He made me.
Perfectly imperfect.

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See: Tattoos and Gay Marriage

It’s hard for me to write this post because the very premise of it feels conflicting in my mind, but the only thing that truly angers me is when I try with all my might to understand something and simply cannot.

I consider myself a Christian, and for that reason I strongly believe in being accepting and loving of others, no matter what, because that is what Jesus did and does for all of us. And if we are to live our lives to the best of our ability in line with what Jesus taught, then the cliche of “What Would Jesus Do?” should be ever-present in our minds.

I attend a weekly small group through my church. One night, among other things, we talked about what it means in Phillippians 3 where Paul says “beware of the dogs, beware of the evil workers, beware of the concision…” And to my surprise, one girl explained that to her, this means that some people may sound like they are trying to be good people, but can still be going against what the Bible says. And her example was gay marriage. That people can defend gay marriage thinking they are doing it for the greater good, that they should be accepting of it, when the truth is that biblically it is wrong.

I’m going to be completely honest here, I was close to getting up and walking to my car. But, I tell myself every day when I encounter different beliefs than my own to LISTEN. So I listened, and I stayed. No one else spoke up, no one argued, and no one agreed. And the fire in my heart burned so bright for the gay community. All I could think was this must be their enemy. Christians sitting in a circle and saying that even though good people are telling them to accept and love everyone including gay people, the Bible says it is wrong (Leviticus 20:13). And although in that very same book (Leviticus 19:28) the Bible says not to mark yourself with tattoos, the girl and her husband sat next to me with tattoos on each of their arms.

My point here is that we all interpret every situation, every interaction, every sentence differently, so I understand that my interpretation of the Bible is different from the next person’s. What I CAN NOT bring myself to understand is how any Christian can argue that whether they agree with homosexuality or not, that a person arguing for gay marriage can be labeled as an “evil worker.” I vie for gay marriage and LGBTQ rights for these fundamental reasons – not in any particular order:

1) It is of no relevance to me.
2) Everyone is entitled to their own version of happiness.
3) Everyone’s beliefs are unique and their own.
4) God commands me to love my neighbor as myself.

My view of Christianity is similar. While I don’t sit and literally dissect every verse in the Bible (see: tattoos and gay marriage), my beliefs rest on several very similar building blocks of my own personal interpretation or version, if you will, of Christianity:

1) Love your neighbor as yourself. (This could really be the only one.)
2) Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding, as God has a plan and a calling for every child he creates.
3) Because Jesus died for my sins, I have been granted eternal life by believing in and dedicating my life to God.

Obviously there is much, much more to Christianity than these three points, but this is what I base majority of my thoughts and actions around. And because I definitely do not believe any of these points to be arguable from a Christian standpoint, I will never be able to fully wrap my brain or heart around alienating a person or a group of people in spite of their beliefs or individual identity.

This weighed so heavily on my heart tonight that I could not push it out of my mind. If I do one thing with this life I hope that it is to convince you to go love others the way Jesus loves you.

 

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Consciousness

My eyes were closed and I was leaning so far over in my seat I was almost falling out. We were finally free, heading west away from everything and everyone we knew. I couldn’t see where we were going, and I didn’t care, I trusted him. He had chosen a life with me after all this time.

I kept my eyes closed and my face as close to his as I could get, my elbows on his armrest. My eyes would flutter open here and there just enough to get a glimpse of his face right before he kissed me again. I felt blissfully and completely happy. Him, us, the unknown future consumed every ounce of my being.

I would wait, eyes closed, with my nose brushing his cheek, and every few seconds he would turn away from the wheel and kiss me, almost for too long.

I giggled and said, “Are you even watching where you’re going?”

He smiled, “It doesn’t matter, we’re already here.” He threw the old, white minivan in park, and before I could snap out of my hypnosis he was out the door and in the driveway. My consciousness acknowledging reality like a light switch, I looked down and noticed I was completely naked. He had opened the back door on the driver’s side of the van, and I scrambled to hide behind the bucket seat on the second row and at the same time find my clothes.

As if in slow motion, I looked to the driveway and processed what I saw. There he stood, just behind his wife, their two children on either side of them. They all looked genuinely confused, except for him. He wore a smug, slight grin on his face as if to say, “Gotcha bitch.”

Hysterical, as I began to cry I yelled, “What the hell is going on?! What are you doing?!”

I managed to get my pants on while my panic quickly turned to anger. I hopped out of the minivan, topless, clutching my tank top. I stomped up to him, “I can’t believe you would do this to me! You are the biggest piece of sh*t I’ve ever met!”

He backed away a few steps but I kept yelling as I put my shirt on, “You are a terrible person, you filthy liar!” I stabbed my finger in the air, “your mom and dad are sh*tty people, too, for raising such a f*cking lunatic.” Somehow, I knew that would get to him.

Thankfully I was clothed now, because I couldn’t move. As I stood there, we stared at each other and no one said anything. I realized then that I wasn’t actually angry, I was heartbroken. His expression had changed too, from pompous to ashamed. There was nothing left to do but leave. I turned and walked back to the van.

 

 

 

Here’s to those crazy dreams that happen right before you wake up in the morning.

 

 

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You Know Me

Thirteen days into the New Year and I’m proud of myself for remembering to pray every night before I fall asleep. Well, almost every night. And sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of the prayer, whoops.

I find myself praying almost every night for God to bring me the man He has planned for me to marry. I know full well I am not ready at this particular moment in time to meet that man, maybe not anytime this year, or even five years. I have no idea what He has in store for me. But I know that God has him in store for me somewhere out there, hopefully praying for me as well.

I have come to notice over the years a pattern, which I’m sure many other women notice in time and either deny it or use it to change. I use my relationships as a form of dependency. I use them for constant attention (physical and mental), someone to run to when life gets hard, a form of temporary happiness no matter how long it might last. But that’s the part I always forget, that type of happiness is always temporary.

Someone once told me that every now and then someone comes along and fills the gaps in your soul that no one else can. Even now, as I lie in bed at night, I am asking for someone to appear to fill those gaps in my soul. Many of us spend the majority of our time and thoughts looking for that one person and thinking about how they will make us feel whole. The one person that can love us unconditionally, knowing everything there is to know about us, even the worst parts, and devote their life to us anyway.What we forget to acknowledge is that God has been loving us unconditionally since before we were even born. He is the One we should be asking to fill those holes inside us.

If you have a minute, go and read Psalm 139. Here’s verses 1-4:

“You have searched me Lord, and You know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise,
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down,
You are familiar with all of my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You, Lord, know it completely.”

It’s a lengthy one, so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version. God knows us better than we can ever know ourselves. And no matter how many rights or what kind of wrongs we commit, He loves us unconditionally. He is the only one who can truly fill those gaps that no one else can.

 

What a comforting thought, to think that the man of my dreams will just be the cherry on top of the Love I am already receiving. I would say I can’t wait to meet him, but I can.

 

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