I’m not that person.

I woke up and followed the same routine I always do, turned off my alarm, said good morning to Jack, then picked up my phone and checked social media. It was a Sunday and I didn’t have anything to do, so I scrolled leisurely through my phone.

Today wasn’t any different, but it didn’t sit well with me. The first thing I saw when I woke up was an engagement announcement, a pregnancy announcement, and wedding photos. All from people I haven’t talked to in years. Society was telling me yet again that I’m alone with no life purpose (I know, this post went downhill fast). I wondered how many others were doing the same thing I was in that moment, scrolling through someone else’s highlight reel, feeling worthless.

And then I thought, no wonder teen suicide rates are higher than ever. No wonder more and more people are being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Before social media, the most anxiety I experienced was middle school. (As in, like, the whole 3-year event.) I’m grateful now that cyber-bullying didn’t exist then, even though bullies still did. But the most comparing I did to others was to the “cool” 8th graders, who were allowed to wear eye shadow and had A-cup boobs. There was no MySpace, no Facebook, no Instagram. Social media didn’t exist until I was 16, and even then no one knew what to do with it.

Today, kids are born into social media. Toddlers know how to work an iPhone better than I do. Girls are posting selfies and using Snapchat filters in elementary school. And no matter who you’re “friends” with or who you “follow,” you will constantly be scrolling through someone else’s highlights, and subconsciously comparing yourself to them. Not to mention, so many teens (and adults) have social anxiety now because the only way they communicate is through a screen. So when they come face-to-face with someone they don’t know how to act. But that’s a whole other blog post/rant in itself. 

Now let me get back to my main point, which you may not have caught in the second paragraph. Notice I said SOCIETY was telling me I’m alone. That’s right, not the couple who got engaged, or the girl who is due in February, but whatever evil algorithm Facebook puts together that forms societal norms. And in the little bubble that is the Southeastern US, in the Bible belt, society tells me that by 30 I should be married (to a man of course), have a couple kids (after the wedding of course), a steady career that I love (but not so much that it keeps me from my kids), a house that my husband and I purchased, and some pets (namely a labradoodle or two).

But I’m not that person. Most days I can and will honestly tell you that I am happy to be single. I am still learning a lot about myself, have been battling depression for nearly 2 years, and am very much still enjoying the freedom that comes with being a single girl in a really fun city. I can honestly say I don’t want to be married right now, for the reasons above and because I’d be miserable if I had married any of my exes. I also definitely don’t want kids right now, and this may sound insane to you, but I’m not sure I ever want kids. Yea, I said it. I love kids, but I don’t know if I want my own. And maybe I’ll change my mind when I meet the man of my dreams, but maybe I won’t. And I’m allowed to feel that way, even though society tells me I am wrong for it.

And – side note – why is buying a house such a major #adulting goal? Have you guys never lived in an apartment complex? You don’t have to think about mowing the grass or trimming the shrubs, and if your track lights go out you just put in a work order and they’re magically fixed. I don’t want to pay for a new roof or pull weeds in Charleston heat. It’s also not super fun to live alone in a singe family detached home as a young woman where the neighbors can’t hear you scream (again – blog post/rant for another day).

So next time you mindlessly scroll social media, remember these things:

1. It’s a facade – not ALL of those people are as happy as they seem, I promise
2. Don’t scroll for too long – the more time you spend on there, the more depressed you’ll feel (seriously, they’ve done studies)
3. You’re allowed to feel any way you want, and live your life in a way that makes you happy. Never let society pressure you into anything less than you deserve.

 

The Idea of Me

Everyone you meet, everyone you have met, and everyone you know first starts out as an idea of what you want them to be or who you think they might be.

From the moment you first see someone, no matter how hard you try not to, you’re mentally taking notes on everything about them, their clothes, their voice, the way they carry themselves, how firm their handshake is, their smile, their hair, the way they make or lack eye contact. Before someone even has a chance to say hello you’ve formed an opinion of them. They’re wearing too much make up, their teeth are too large for their mouth, their hair is too long or their beard isn’t trimmed, their suit is too small, their shirt has a stain on it.

The first conversation you have with them can alter this initial opinion, or it can support it. They might be friendlier than they look, they might have a voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to your ears, they might be extremely well-spoken but dressed like a complete bum. Sometimes a first conversation can be shocking, leaving you confused and re-evaluating your opinion on someone’s outer shell.

Our brains gather all of this information and try to form something out of it, even though there’s no point. We try to come to conclusions after spending a few minutes with someone, and those conclusions are probably almost always wrong. Society teaches us that attractive people are good, and unattractive people are bad. We all now know as adults that this is entirely untrue, that looks have almost nothing to do with a person’s morality, but innately our minds still tend to follow this rule of thumb.

Then our brains continue to think and process and begin to mold some sort of expectation for this new person. Maybe you expect them to be nice to you, or maybe you expect them to like you because you learned you had something in common, maybe you expect them to buy you a drink because you’re both standing at the bar, maybe you expect them to make a grand romantic gesture because you think you’re both equally attracted to each other and just found love at first sight and have the same favorite drink and both just got out of a bad breakup and are perfect for each other….

Anyways, I see this habit most in myself when it comes to dating, in case you didn’t already pick up what I was putting down. It seems like every guy I meet I immediately start imagining us as a future couple. Of course, all of these thoughts are positive, so my imagination takes me places I’ve never even known in a relationship; understanding, support, romance, communication, a real connection. I see potential, and then I can’t let it go. I’m sure we’ve all heard a friend say at some point, “he wasn’t in love with me, he was in love with the IDEA of me.”

I bet this is why 90% of relationships fail. We put all our energy into someone we barely know, with expectations we have no right to have in the first place. Years later we are wondering why that person isn’t who we thought they were, but it’s because they were never that person. Our brains just like to conjure up ideas of what we want out of that person or that relationship, and when that person doesn’t measure up, we blame them. In reality, it’s our own fault for having these expectations and ideas of who someone might turn out to be, and the likelihood of them successfully turning out to be an idea our own mind formed has to be one in a million.

 

 

No wonder we’re disappointed all the time (we = people in the dating world), when someone turns out to be exactly who they are and not who we wanted them to be. Is there a way to train our minds to accept people at face value (not literally)? Is this what people mean when they say to lower your expectations so that when someone actually treats you well it completely blows you away?

I think everyone has lost appreciation for the art of getting to know someone, like really getting to know them as a person, before throwing your insecurities and relationship standards on them. I used to be a firm believer in deal breakers, and I stand by some of them, but I think it’s time to re-assess the value of a friendship before it gets ruined with the pressure of romance.

Uncompromisable is a Long Word

A little over a year ago I wrote a post about learning to be by myself. When I wrote that post I had been single for all of six months and was just starting to really enjoy the freedom that came with it. And by freedom I don’t mean free to be with other people, I mean free in a way that no one else has an influence on your decisions. Then of course I started dating someone and ruined it all. But I’ve already admitted to being a chronic and habitual dater, since I was in middle school my world has been centered around the male species. As I got older relationship after relationship ended because something didn’t sit right with me. Obviously, there were other reasons to end things, but a pattern that I notice now looking back on things is a lot of times I ran because I noticed myself changing in ways I wasn’t okay with.

 

I’m aware that as humans we change constantly, so even the person I marry will not be the same person 20, 30, 60 years down the line, and neither will I. But I do believe that at everyone’s core are certain qualities and characteristics that are uncompromisable. For me, those things can range from my mental health, to my relationship with God, to my love for art and music. So often we compromise the things that make us who we are to try and make a relationship work that just isn’t meant to.

 

If you know me at all, you know I’m super basic in that The Notebook is one of my all-time favorite movies. Judge me all you want, but it’s not entirely because of the epic love story. I like to think I relate to Allie Hamilton, partially because of her name but also because she’s a feisty smoke show and that’s who I aspire to be. But I digress…no matter how much time has passed, I can watch that movie again and again and each time a different line or scene breaks me down. Particularly, I’ll always remember her telling Lon, “I don’t paint anymore.” Such a simple, yet loaded sentence. I’ve had this thought so many times while dating someone, “I don’t ______ anymore.” I don’t see my friends anymore. I don’t sing anymore. I don’t go running anymore.

 

This epiphany smacked me in the face last week when I was discussing this very subject with a friend. This is why I’ve been single for so long and this is why I’m OKAY with being single for this long. In my longest stint of singledom I’ve finally realized I no longer want to be in a relationship for the sake of company, I only want to be with someone who encourages me and inspires me to do the things that make me who I am and who I want to be. I don’t have time anymore to waste on men who force me into a mold I’ll never fit into because it compromises who I am to my very core. And until I find someone worth my time, who pushes me to not only do what I love but find more things to love doing, I’ll remain single.

 

The older I get the more I realize how hard I have to work to create time for myself. I also realize how many people my age are already married, and wonder if I’m missing something. It’s easy to get caught up in those expectations, especially in the South, so I have to keep reminding myself that I’d much rather be single than be in a relationship (or God forbid, a marriage) that doesn’t force me to be the best version of myself. Losing sight of yourself is never worth it.

 

 

You Know Me

Thirteen days into the New Year and I’m proud of myself for remembering to pray every night before I fall asleep. Well, almost every night. And sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of the prayer, whoops.

I find myself praying almost every night for God to bring me the man He has planned for me to marry. I know full well I am not ready at this particular moment in time to meet that man, maybe not anytime this year, or even five years. I have no idea what He has in store for me. But I know that God has him in store for me somewhere out there, hopefully praying for me as well.

I have come to notice over the years a pattern, which I’m sure many other women notice in time and either deny it or use it to change. I use my relationships as a form of dependency. I use them for constant attention (physical and mental), someone to run to when life gets hard, a form of temporary happiness no matter how long it might last. But that’s the part I always forget, that type of happiness is always temporary.

Someone once told me that every now and then someone comes along and fills the gaps in your soul that no one else can. Even now, as I lie in bed at night, I am asking for someone to appear to fill those gaps in my soul. Many of us spend the majority of our time and thoughts looking for that one person and thinking about how they will make us feel whole. The one person that can love us unconditionally, knowing everything there is to know about us, even the worst parts, and devote their life to us anyway.What we forget to acknowledge is that God has been loving us unconditionally since before we were even born. He is the One we should be asking to fill those holes inside us.

If you have a minute, go and read Psalm 139. Here’s verses 1-4:

“You have searched me Lord, and You know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise,
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down,
You are familiar with all of my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You, Lord, know it completely.”

It’s a lengthy one, so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version. God knows us better than we can ever know ourselves. And no matter how many rights or what kind of wrongs we commit, He loves us unconditionally. He is the only one who can truly fill those gaps that no one else can.

 

What a comforting thought, to think that the man of my dreams will just be the cherry on top of the Love I am already receiving. I would say I can’t wait to meet him, but I can.